Mean Women

We hear so much these days about the Mean Girl Epidemic spreading throughout our middle and high schools.  I even hear stories of it occurring in elementary schools.  It’s bad, for sure, and takes an awful lot of diligence on the part of adults to keep it at bay.  We encourage our girls to do the right thing and to live by a strong moral code.  What happens, though, when the Mean Girls turn out to be adult women?  We don’t hear too much about it, but I can assure you that it’s alive and well within our society.

Growing up, yours truly was the target of some Mean Girl (and Mean Boy, for that matter) behavior.  Socially awkward and painfully shy, I was an easy target, I suppose.  It took years for me to come to terms with that cruelty, but come to terms I did, and it’s made me the woman I am today. I’m not sharing this with you to conjure up any sympathy, but to prove a point:  we can all overcome it.   I’ve built my life’s work around it, in fact:  I don’t want any little girl to endure what I endured.  I want every little girl to know she’s special, she’s competent, and that she matters.  I want to provide her with tools for ignoring the Mean Girls, tools she may very well need when encountering any Mean Women in her future.

Because I’d already ‘been there, done that’ with regard to the Mean Girls, I confess I took very little notice of it occurring amongst alleged-grown-ups. I guess at one point I was downright naïve to its very existence.   I’m aware of it now, and have come to following conclusions:

Mean Women Operate Out of Fear –Disrespect and ugliness towards others stems from a fear of not being accepted ourselves.   We channel this fear into the very thing we don’t want:  to be forgotten, or to be seen as ‘less-than’.  We fear it happening to us, so we’ll beat it to the punch by inflicting it on someone else.  How sad…

Mean Women Operate Out of Self-Loathing – I challenge anyone to find a Mean Girl or Mean Woman who truly likes herself.  Without self-love, there is no love.  It all starts from within. Plain and simple.

Mean Women Operate Out of Immaturity – Perhaps they weren’t indulged or encouraged enough as children.  Perhaps they were overly-indulged or overly-encouraged as children.  Who knows?  But something happened along the way to keep these women from growing up and contributing positively to society. 

Mean Women Operate Out of Jealousy – Strong women, beautiful women, happy women, and successful women are often targeted by Mean Women.  Instead of celebrating these women, they go to great lengths to tear them down.  They exclude.  They gossip.  They lie.  These are the things that get a Mean Girl into trouble at school.  Unfortunately, you can’t send a Mean Woman to the principal’s office.

I could go on, but I’d like to move along to another topic, one that I’ve written about many times:  living by example.  We cannot expect our daughters, nieces, or students to be nice girls if we’re not living nicely ourselves.  The old cliché of the apple not falling far from the tree is true, I believe.  We must take a good, hard look at ourselves and our motives, for they greatly affect our children.  If we want our future generation to live in a society of love, kindness, compassion and respect, we must put those concepts into practice – always.

I personally know a few Mean Women – women who are mothers, teachers, and leaders in my community.  I implore anyone remotely responsible for the well-being and guidance of children, particularly girls, to think and live on a higher level.  Get over what you need to get over and start playing nicely.  Come from a place of compassion and integrity – this will serve you well.

And for anyone who’s ever suffered at the hands of a Mean Girl or Mean Woman, take heart:  set your sights on fabulosity and you’ll do just fine.  It’s easy to ignore their comments when you know you’re doing the right thing.  Surround yourself with decent, positive people who have the greater good in mind.  Strive for excellence in all that you do.  Find inspiration wherever you can get it.  They say that living well is the best revenge.  Based on my own experiences, I know this to be true.

Beth Newman

Image Consultant, Mentor, Author

www.newmanimage.info

Beth’s books, Become a First Style Fashionista and 365 Days of Fabulosity, are available through Amazon.

You, Your Image, and Everyone Else

Have you ever wondered why our society has become so lax?  Why is it perfectly acceptable these days to run around in tracksuits, peppering our language with slang and offensive terminology, basking in our lack of elegance and refinement while offering our middle finger to anyone who doesn’t like our loud-and-proud attitude?  Like or leave it, someone once told me.

I don’t like it, and I just can’t leave it.

For you see, my friend, we’ve got a full-force ripple effect happening.  Our croc-wearing, tattoo-bearing, attempts-at-daring affect others.  Kids today are unfamiliar with the term ‘dressing for the occasion’ because they’ve never witnessed it.  Recent college grads who grew up with a grand sense of entitlement don’t understand why their multi-piercings are keeping them from landing a job.  Women of ‘a certain age’ don’t understand why their bawdiness has yet to attract the perfect partner.  “I mean, it worked for the gals in Sex In The City, why isn’t it working for me?”  they ask.

Like it or not, we are judged by how we communicate, and we communicate through many different avenues each day:  the words we speak, the clothes we wear, our manners, our mannerisms – I could go on.  It’s the Total Package Effect and I speak to so many women about it:  you can look great, but if you don’t speak greatly or act greatly, others will not perceive you as great.

So my question today is this:  what, exactly, are you trying to communicate?  If you desire attracting certain people or situations into your life and you’ve yet to manifest them, you’re image could be holding you back.

I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times.

One’s image plays a significant role in her overall success, both professionally and personally. 

I think a key element that leads to an ‘image downfall’ is the acceptance of the status quo.  No one else dresses up for church, so why should I? Everybody enjoys fast-food on a regular basis, so why shouldn’t I?   Everyone else watches garbage on Television, so why shouldn’t I (side note:  garbage in, garbage out.  I learned that a long time ago, and it’s very true.  Think about it.) 

Because it leads to stasis, and a lifestyle in stasis is a lifestyle in crises.

We should all strive each day not only to look our best, but to speak our best and BE our best.  We’ve got to get over this weird ‘let’s just be comfortable and let it all hang out’ mentality and take ownership of our lives and our image.  We must recognize that our choices affect others – and not necessarily in a good way.

We’ve got to get over our laziness and stop accepting things that simply shouldn’t be acceptable.  If not, I shudder to think of the fruit the upcoming generation will bear.  They’re looking to us and following our lead, so if we want better for them, we must be better ourselves.

Be the change you want to see in the world – Gandhi

What is it you’d like to see?

Beth Newman

Image Consultant, Mentor, Author

www.newmanimage.info

ps...I've got a new e-course starting next week.  It's called Your Image and You:  Who Do You Think You Are?  For details go to http://newmanimage.info/In_The_News_.html

The Type of Person Who....

I tend to be a bit wary of people compelled to begin sentences with “I’m the type of person who…”, for it’s been my experience that they’re usually way off the mark when describing themselves.  I also find it a bit strange because they seem to be opening up a dialogue in which they’re the star attraction.  As we all learned in our high school speech classes, communication is a two-way street.  As we learn from self-improvement gurus, it’s better to listen rather than to speak.  So I find it baffling that even though we’ve been taught not ramble on about ourselves, so many of us spend a great amount of time doing it.

And doing it poorly.

Madonna encouraged us years ago to ‘express ourselves,’ and following her lead, we did it.  Madonna is a self-promoting genius; we commoners – not so much.

In an age in which our personal revelations can be, well, revealed, by the click of a button, many people assume that the general public gives a hoot-and-a-half about what sort of person we are.  We’re much too busy talking the talk and not walking the walk. 

I expect the spiritually in-tune woman who starts her day with some sort of uplifting New Age-y thought to remain there, and not tell me through her late night tweets how drunk she is.

I expect the man who proclaims to love and support women to actually love and support women, and not belittle and yell at them in the office.

I expect people who turn their bodies into walking billboards to come from some sort of hard-core place, not the PTA meeting.

It’s attention these folks are after, but what they don’t realize is that they’re getting it for the wrong reasons:  many of us are bemused, really, by your seemingly duplicitous lifestyle.  You say you’re this, but you turn out to be that. 

We know who you are, not what you are, because of your actions.  Maybe you want to be the person you’re describing, but you’re not, darling.

Self-expression is important, don’t get me wrong.  There exists, however, more sophisticated and elegant ways of doing it.  Living what you’re expounding – that’s a start.  Getting to truly know who you really are – always a crowd-pleaser. Experiencing real interactions with real people rather than by electronic means – why not give it a try? Focusing on others rather than yourself – bingo! Reaching out in love and compassion in order to help others – right on!

At the end of the day, we’re remembered for what we did, rather than for what we said.

Beth Newman

Image Consultant, Mentor, Author

www.newmanimage.info

Look, feel, and LIVE your absolute best!

A Lasting Legacy

Sadly, I bid a final good-by to an associate of mine the other day. I’d only known her a short while, but I liked her very much. I worried about her. I learned a great deal from her. In the end, however, I was astounded by her.

You see, my associate kept her business just that – her business, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered certain things about her during her memorial service. Things like her philanthropy (award-winning philanthropy, I might add). Things like her adventuresome, beach-loving nature (I had no idea we had the sand and sea in common), her vigilant commitment to style and fashion (she never told me she met Tim Gunn, but lo and behold, there she was, photographed with him following some sort of fashion event).

Discovering these aspects about her made me realize how exceptional she really was. Showered with wondrous opportunities and accolades, she handled all of it gracefully, with dignity, and quietly.

I'm afraid we don’t see too much grace, dignity, and silence these days, do we? In this age of social media, everybody’s a celebrity. Constant status-updaters and tweeters, revealing the minutia of their daily lives, have carried the ‘Look At Me’ mentality into their personal encounters. We’ve a lot of people talking (about nothing, really), and too few listening.

Had my associate talked a little more, we probably would have become great friends, for we shared many of the same interests and possessed similar demeanors. Had she only spoken up, those of us who knew her would have understood just how ill she was in her final months. She never complained, though, and we all hoped and prayed that she’d get better. She didn’t.

 I suppose that’s why I can’t suffer foolishness right now. I prefer my communication with others to be short, sweet, informative, helpful, enlightening and entertaining. I go absolutely mad hearing complaints about mild tummy aches, sinus pressure, and paper cuts. My associate spent the last few weeks of her life incredibly frail and, at age 51, needing the assistance of a walker just to get to the powder room. You’ll get by with that wart on your thumb, trust me.

I don’t mean to come across as uncaring in the previous paragraph, but my associate’s death really made me realize how silly we all can be. We take things for granted, and get too wrapped up in ourselves to do what we’re really here to do: to love one another, and to leave this world better than we found it.

 Following her memorial service, I vowed to do more to make my community a better place. I’ve recommitted myself to keeping apprised on the latest in fashion, education, and writing because that’s how I make my living and resting on my laurels certainly won’t get me any further than I currently am, professionally speaking. I’ve also promised myself to have more fun, remove myself from social-media marathons, and to really go out make the most of each day. I shall love more, listen more, and laugh more.

And I shall never forget this amazing woman, her legacy, and the impact her life story had on me. Thank you,dear heart,and may you rest in peace.

Tuning and Tapping

I know firsthand what occurs when one defines himself or herself with a title:

“I am a teacher.”

“I am a writer.”

“I am a salesman.”

“I am a doctor.”

“I am a professional monkey-trainer.”

(Side note: I can only claim the first two, but am quite interested in conquering the last one.)

Anyway, we get too caught up in titles because oftentimes we define ourselves by those titles. We forget that there’s so much more to us than by how we make a living.

That’s why I encourage you to tap into and tune into Other Areas of Interest, which may include but are not limited to: volunteer work, pursuing a hobby, learning a new language or skill, traveling, and such. ‘Tapping and Tuning’ allows us to grow as humans. It allows us to discover new things about ourselves and the world around us. I think, too, that it makes us happier, more creative individuals.

Stretching ourselves is vital to our well-being. We must never accept complacency or mediocrity. We must remain vigilant in our desire to expand our horizons.

Our day-in-day-out routine can make us weary. We could end up in a rut. We may simply begin accepting things because ‘that’s how they’ve always been’. Yet they don’t have to be. Yes, we have responsibilities and obligations, but that doesn’t mean we must limit ourselves.

When you were a child, I’m sure you had some big dreams. Revisit those dreams, and see if you can find a way to tap into them in some way. Perhaps you wanted to be a singer, so why not join a community chorale group or your church choir? Maybe photography was your thing. Grab a camera and get to it!

As a kid, I grew up watching – and loving- the CBS soap opera, Guiding Light. I recently starting writing fan fiction based on the show. Yes, I know it’s incredibly silly. I realize very few people will take the time to read it, but it’s something I enjoy doing. It’s something that’s completely different for me. I find it a fantastic little diversion that keeps me from getting bored.

I encourage you to spend a little time today ‘Tapping and Tuning’. Step into an unfamiliar area and see what happens. If one thing doesn’t get you going, then choose another. Recall those ideas that excited you as a child. We were never meant to live merely by titles. We were meant to enjoy ever-evolving and fun lives!

Now, if I could figure out how to incorporate monkey-training and writing soap opera fan fiction, I’d have it made in the shade with pink lemonade.

Beth Newman is an image consultant, mentor, and author based out of Houston, TX. For more information about her, she invites you to visit her website at www.newmanimage.info.

Baby, If You've Ever Wondered....

Just the other day, my inbox contained a very nice – and surprising – message. It was from a wonderful gentleman with whom I had the good fortune to work with during my radio days. I’ve not seen nor spoken to him in the last two decades, but he’d been on my mind recently, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear from him. Out of the blue. Just like that.

After the initial “How ya doing/what ya doing/” back-and-forth, my friend asked me whatever happened to our former boss, a man (and I use the term loosely here) I’ll simply refer to as Old Shan. Old Shan served as our station manager. My friend hosted the morning show, and yours truly was simply referred to as ‘The Afternoon Girl’. Anyway, Old Shan left quite an impression on my friend and me – and it’s not the impression he wanted to leave, I’m sure.

To put it bluntly, Old Shan was not a nice person.

Old Shan was not an emotionally stable person.

Old Shan might be your best friend one day, and your worst enemy the next.

I can support the above statements with the following examples: yelling, cursing, snap decisions, reversals of those snap decisions, poor business judgments, poor hiring choices, sexual harassment, manipulation, and far too much unpaid overtime.

And these all happened on our ‘good days’.

I stuck it out there for over a year, so you can imagine my reeling head when I finally wised up and left.

I’d often thought that perhaps it was just me. As the only on-air girl (and that term applies – I was only 21 or 22 years-old during this stint), I assumed that I was the problem, and that all of Old Shan's big and little rants actually meant something. Perhaps I wasn’t working hard enough. Perhaps I wasn’t doing my job effectively. Perhaps he didn’t like women. Perhaps he simply didn’t like me. I didn’t understand it then, but looking back, I realize that it wasn’t me.

It was him.

He treated everyone on staff deplorably.

During our exchange, my friend recalled some of his own Old Shan experiences, which were, of course, quite similar to my own. He said he’d often fantasized over the years about tracking him down and giving him a piece of his mind. I confessed I’d done the same thing, but because I truly believe in karma, I’m hopeful that Old Shan has learned a lesson, and has come out better for it.

And I have to hand it to Old Shan, for he taught me how to better deal with a couple of other ‘bad bosses’ I’ve had over the years. I suppose he entered my life in order to teach me that the world is made up of all kinds of people, and if you want to get anywhere in life, you’ve got to learn how to effectively deal with them. It’s okay, too, I learned, that if you can’t deal with them, you can certainly leave them. No need to get bogged down in someone else’s bad mojo.

A job is a job is a job….do what you love, do it well, and reap the rewards.

My friend is doing just that. He’s still in radio (God bless him!), and he’s tapped into another passion of his – he opened his own bike shop. I’m delighted for him, and so glad to reconnect with him.

Beth Newman
Newman Image
www.newmanimage.info
‘Look, feel, and LIVE your absolute best!’

Hosts, Guests, and other Malcontents

With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, ‘tis the perfect opportunity to remind you, Sweeties, of how to host, how to guest, and how to generally not make life-long enemies this time of year. Remember, our image goes much deeper than the clothes on our backs: part of it includes our ability to entertain graciously within our homes, our dedication to being the best possible guest ever, and most importantly, to leave everyone wondering, “How does she stay so pretty throughout the day?”

Hosts

Don’t Kill Yourself – In our modern world, it’s quite easy to have someone else do the heavy lifting. I haven’t put it to paper, but I would venture to guess that you can cater your Thanksgiving meal just as affordably as you could should you go ‘the old-fashioned route’. I know for a fact that you can easily feed 6-8 people their turkey, stuffing, gravy, and dinner rolls for $39.99. Have your guests bring additional sides and pies. This way, you won’t have to get up at 4:30 am Thanksgiving morning, nor will you spend the biggest part of the day in the kitchen (unless you simply have to do so in order to get away from ‘those people’)

Spot Clean – Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so you should really take a good, hard look at yourself if your home requires more than a bit of dusting and mopping before your guests arrive. Those newspapers stacked up aren’t really newsworthy anymore, and what is now referred to as ‘The Bathroom Mishap of ‘88’ should have been dealt with back in ’88, don’t you think?

Look Smashing – Nobody likes an unkempt hostess. Go out of your way to wow your guests with your charming style. Avoid track suits, crocs, a bathrobe, or an oversized sweatshirt. Your guests will be so impressed by how fabulous you look that they won’t notice the overcooked turkey and undercooked mashed potatoes.

Keep On Hand – aspirin, Tums, extra wine, toilet paper, Diet Coke (only if your father-in-law is Larry Newman, and if he’s not, what’s he doing at your place and not mine on Thanksgiving?) Benadryl (if you’ve got guests who are allergic to cats), and a good sense of humor.


Guests

Bring Something – it’s in poor taste to show up at someone’s home without a little something –something for the hostess. She went to a lot of trouble to look nice for you. A little trinket of some sort, in addition to the side dish you’ve been assigned, is a nice gesture. Guests who bring me things I like (for example, a good bottle of Merlot), are sure to be invited back next Thanksgiving.

Arrive On Time, and Not Any Earlier – your hostess needs those last few minutes in order to go over last-minute, vital details (place settings, false eyelashes, the usual)

Look Before You Sit – My old cat, Kramer, seldom moves from his spot on the couch these days. Please don’t sit on him.

Don’t Complain – Nobody wants to hear your gripes, particularly if they’re aimed at the hostess or her home.

Don’t Touch That Dial – Never take the liberty of turning on a television that doesn’t belong to you. If you simply must catch ‘the big game’ on Thanksgiving, stay home to do it.

Leave and Don’t Come Back – when I was growing up, we developed a peculiar tradition of spending most of Thanksgiving Day at my grandmother’s house, then leaving, then going back that evening for leftovers. This only created extra work for my grandmother. Leave at a reasonable hour, take leftovers if you’re invited to do so, and let your hostess get on with her business (tidying up, napping, finishing up that Merlot you brought, etc.)

Common courtesy and good intentions go a long way on Thanksgiving. Be on your best behavior, look your best, and enjoy a blessed day with your loved ones. Cheers, Sweeties!



Beth Newman
Newman Image
www.newmanimage.info
Look, feel, and LIVE your absolute best!